My hair reeks of homosexuality.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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