drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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