My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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