you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
