My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
