Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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