I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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