Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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