My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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