the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
