I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
