I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
