just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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