I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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