i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
