I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
