I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
