Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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