Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
