they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
