There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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