you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
