I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
