I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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