Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
