I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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