No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
