A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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