It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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