I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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