my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
