Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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