watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize