Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
