so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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