I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
