If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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