I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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