My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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