I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
