they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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