I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
