Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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