Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
