We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
