mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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