This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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