Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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