First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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