some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
