woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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