I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
