I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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