sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I need to sanitize my soul.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
