I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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