the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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