after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
